How to help someone

with depression?

Major depression is one of the most common mental health disorders in the world, so it’s likely someone you know or love has been affected. If someone you love is depressed, you may be experiencing helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, and sadness. These feelings are all normal. Helping someone with depression can be a challenge so remember to take care of your own emotional health—you’ll need it to provide the full support your loved one needs.

That said, your companionship and support can be crucial to your loved one’s recovery. You can help them to cope with depression symptoms, overcome negative thoughts, and regain their energy, optimism, and enjoyment of life. Start by learning all you can about depression and knowing how to talk to someone living with depression can be a great way to support them.

WHAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS DEPRESSION

1. Do you want to talk about it? I’m here when you’re ready.

You can’t force someone to talk, but knowing you’re available can really help them feel supported.

If they haven’t been forward with you about their depression, you may want to mention you’ve noticed they’re having a hard time and you’re there if they want to talk. If you simply ask “Are you OK?” they may be used to pretending and reply “I’m fine.”

If they’re not ready to talk now, remind them you’re here for them when they’re ready. When they’re having a hard time and need someone to talk to, they may remember your offer and come to you.

2. What can I do to help today?

Depression often causes fatigue, trouble sleeping, and a lack of motivation. Sometimes just getting out of bed can be hard.

Asking what you can do can really help them through their day.

Maybe they’re not eating well and you can pick up dinner. Maybe they need a morning call or text to ensure they get to work on time.

Sometimes you just need to listen. Helping doesn’t have to be a huge, drastic effort. It can be as simple as picking up a phone, sharing a meal, or driving them to an appointment.

Remember that being a compassionate listener is much more important than giving advice.

3. How are you managing? How is your depression?

This can give you some insight into how their treatment is going or if they need help getting professional assistance.

Depression is a medical condition. It’s not a flaw or weakness. If someone you love has depression, encourage them to seek professional help if they haven’t already done so. Remind them that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Asking how their treatment is going can also encourage them to stick with their treatment plan. You may also tell them when you’ve noticed improvements. This can help validate it’s working, even if they don’t always feel like it is.

4. You’re not alone. I may not understand exactly how you feel, but you’re not alone.

Depression can make many people feel alone and like they should isolate. Tell them they’re not alone. Be there for them, even if you don’t have a similar personal experience.

If you’ve had depression, you can share that you know what they’re going through. This can help them relate. However, keep the focus on them. Remember to listen first.

5. You’re important to me.

It’s always nice to know you’re loved or wanted. When someone’s depressed, they may feel the exact opposite.

That’s why telling someone that they’re important to you, that you need them in their life, and that they matter can be so comforting. You can also be more specific to what you love about them or how you appreciate them for something they do.

6. That sounds like it’s really hard. How are you coping?

The purpose of this is to simply acknowledge that you realize how hard it is for them. Acknowledging how hard depression and its symptoms can be can help them feel seen.

It’s a good reminder that you’re listening, you see them, and you’re here to help them cope.

7. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you if you need me.

The fact is, there’s no perfect thing to say to someone living with depression. Your words won’t cure them. But they can help.

Reminding someone that you’re there for them whenever they need you — whether that’s in the form of help with a small task or someone to call in a crisis — can be so essential to saving a life.

WHAT “NOT” TO SAY TO SOMEONE WHO HAS DEPRESSION

Advice isn’t the same as asking for help. If they ask for your advice, give it if you so choose. But don’t offer them “helpful” solutions or statements that seem like a cure for their depression. This can feel judgmental or not empathetic.

DON’T say:

• “This is all in your head”

• “Everyone goes through tough times.”

• “Try to look on the bright side.”

• “Why do you want to die when you have so much to live for?”

• “I can’t do anything about your situation.”

• “You should be feeling better by now.”

• “Just think happy thoughts.”

• “I don’t understand what you have to be so sad about.”

• “Everything will be OK, I promise.”

• “I cut out sugar and I was cured! You should try it.”

• “You just need to snap out of this.”

• “So many people out there are worse off than you.”

REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

There’s a natural impulse to want to fix the problems of people we care about, but you can’t control someone else’s depression. You can, however, control how well you take care of yourself. It’s just as important for you to stay healthy as it is for the depressed person to get treatment, so make your own well-being a priority.

Remember the advice of airline flight attendants: put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. In other words, make sure your own health and happiness are solid before you try to help someone who is depressed. You won’t do your friend or family member any good if you collapse under the pressure of trying to help. When your own needs are taken care of, you’ll have the energy you need to lend a helping hand.

• Speak up for yourself. You may be hesitant to speak out when the depressed person in your life upsets you or lets you down. However, honest communication will actually help the relationship in the long run. If you’re suffering in silence and letting resentment build, your loved one will pick up on these negative emotions and feel even worse. Gently talk about how you’re feeling before pent-up emotions make it too hard to communicate with sensitivity.

• Set boundaries. Of course you want to help, but you can only do so much. Your own health will suffer if you let your life be controlled by your loved one’s depression. You can’t be a caretaker round the clock without paying a psychological price. To avoid burnout and resentment, set clear limits on what you are willing and able to do. You are not your loved one’s therapist, so don’t take on that responsibility.

• Stay on track with your own life. While some changes in your daily routine may be unavoidable while caring for your friend or relative, do your best to keep appointments and plans with friends. If your depressed loved one is unable to go on an outing or trip you had planned, ask a friend to join you instead.

• Seek support. You are NOT betraying your depressed relative or friend by turning to others for support. Joining a support group, talking to a counselor or clergyman, or confiding in a trusted friend will help you get through this tough time. You don’t need to go into detail about your loved one’s depression or betray confidences; instead focus on your emotions and what you are feeling. Make sure you can be totally honest with the person you turn to—choose someone who will listen without interruption and without judging you.

(Sources: WebMD, UMN.edu, HealthLine, MedicalNewsToday, Alleviant, rtor.org, thejoint, Harvard Medical School, helpingGuide, VeryWellMind, )